But then, I realized that if I stayed too late, the odd little troops of three Korean men would always come in.
See, the drunks usually travel in threes in Korea. The two loud, obnoxious drunks on the left and right are always the ones holding up (dragging, quite often) the stupid drunk Korean man in the middle! Well, that's swell. Except that they would almost always get up in my face (though they were total strangers) and slobber all over me! That was fun.
NOT.
One night, in this nice old fellow's Korean convenience store (where I would actually buy "hot choco," as Koreans call cocoa, or hot chocolate, and sit at this tiny table in the corner, one of the drunks from the middle of one of the smashed trios hobbled on over and got up in my face. I stood up, and then he spit a whole bunch of rancid breath at me, and promptly (well, as promptly as he could slur it in his condition) told me, "You look like Michael Douglas! Yo-ung My-kell Dooglas-a."
Uh... yeah. I've heard that before a few times. But hey, maybe ALL us white folks just look alike! Especially when you're drunk as a skunk. He continued, "I HATE MICHAEL DOOOGLASS-A!"
Okay, buddy. Well, psst! I'm not really Michael Douglas. But... uh... why do you hate Michael Douglas?
"Be... be-cooze... he is FACKING that young garl!"
Oh! You mean, Catherine Zeta-Jones? Michael Douglas' lawfully wedded WIFE?
"YA-SA! He is FACKING that young girl!"
And then I tried like hell to get him to take his filthy, drunken hands off me. Boy that was a real nice "welcome to Korea" moment.
NOT.
Actually, now that I think back, his eyes got really wide when he heard the name Catherine Zeta Jones. He licked his lips, rolled his eyes, and slipping to about my chest level ('cause remember, the other two drunks were holding him up), he slobbered, as his eyes got big as half dollars. "YA-SA! He is FACKING that young garl! Catherine Zedar Jon-sa!"
So, I guess the moral of this story is: PLEASE, people, don't EVER get drugged up around me. I'm nobody's punching bag, no matter how "nice" I look. Oh, I'm nice, but I'm not stupid. And though you most likely won't remember any of it, I must tell you quite frankly that I have got a memory like a wasp.
Ain't gonna hate ya after you make yourself look like a total idiot, of course, but my grandmother reportedly put up with way too much of that kind of thing from my old Scottish American "pap." So Will don't go there. EVER.
There area always excuses for everything, but there is no good excuse for a genuine lack of self control. Not ever.
But here's the real moral of the story: Life is hard. It's real, real easy to hurt people in this cold, cruel world - even when you're not even trying. If I do hurt someone, I want to be able to remember it, and if possible, ATONE for it later. If I even get the chance. And I don't want to EVER be able to fall back on the "drunk" excuse.
Ever.
And hey! Look! Honestly, folks, she's really not that much younger than him. She's just got those great (sometimes baby faced) Welsh genes (that I also have a few of myself). And hey, the man didn't always have gray hair! They probably both have gray hair nowadays, God bless 'em. I'm getting a few gray hairs myself these days.
And dammit, I LOVE Michael Douglas AND Catherine Zeta Jones. And I don't care how old either of them gets! Like... ever!
And what's wrong with gray hair anyway? What's wrong with getting older, Koreans? Oh... that's right. Age discrimination (among other kinds of discrimination) is HUGE in Korea. Think about that before you head to Korea to teach English, potential expats. Well... if you're twenty something, naïve as hell, and get drunk with other expats often enough (to kill the pain, it often seems), you'll probably be A-Okay.
But whatever you do, don't get caught looking like "young Michael Douglas." And... PSST! He's much better looking than I probably ever will be anyway. :)
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