Don't Walk This Way! Or... "This is NOT Japan!"

This is just one more thing that drives me NUTS about living in Asia.  Most people in this region simply do not pay any attention whatsoever to even the most basic and beneficial public rules and protocols.  Never mind the way a lot of people in this region tend to drive.   A whole lot of them walk around every bit as recklessly most of the time!

I guess it's always every man for himself in a desperately overpopulated place, but come on!   There are arrows (as can clearly be seen down in the lower right hand side of the photo), clearly indicating that pedestrians are supposed to keep to the right. In fact, a law was actually passed in 2009 in South Korea, finally making it official that pedestrians are supposed to keep to the right.  BUT THEY DON'T.

Why?

So... why bother painting the arrows anyway, if everybody is going to stubbornly (passive-aggressively?) keep to the left?

In fact, in South Korea, it is extremely rare to find any pedestrian (unless they happen to be foreign born, like yours truly) who even tries to obey the local rules.   I mean... isn't that what you're supposed to do when living in somebody else's country?  Obey the laws. Keep your nose clean.  But what do you do when the locals themselves can't even seem to get with their own damned program?  Basically, you try not to go out very much.  Which, I often think, is what many of them passive aggressively really want anyway.  Less pesky human traffic that way, you know.

What? You thought Asia was all about people living in "harmony?"  Think again.   All that harmony and civility hype is usually a naïve Westerner's wet dream about Asia.  You know, all that, "over there, the grass must be greener" crap.  What?  You think Asians aren't people, too, just like the rest of us?   Actually, the real Asia really isn't like that at all.  On the contrary, most Asians are actually under the constant, omnipresent massive weight of a palpable social pressure that discourages any form of public conflict, or even simple displays of everyday emotions. Sounds good, huh?

Actually, it's really not.  In the real world, when people can't be openly aggressive, painfully honest and straightforward, the way many groups of less oppressed people tend to be, they tend to get passive-aggressive to compensate.  And I mean, REALLY passive-aggressive.

Obviously, the population is very, very dense in most places in East Asia.  And, as a result, as one might expect, most people in the region are under all sorts of extraordinary pressures.  Yes, all the same pressures that Americans and other Westerners have to deal with (like financial problems, family issues and the daily grind), but on top of all that, they usually have a whole lot less space to deal with all that in.   AND... the strictly traditional, rigidly Confucian society often doesn't allow them to relieve that pressure in quite the same way that people in the West usually have the freedom to.

So, there's a reason for everything, right?   Well, in this case, the reason why Koreans drive on the right side, but still, stubbornly tend to always walk on the left, is because (but only PARTLY because) the peninsula was a Japanese colony from 1910 to 1945.  During the Japanese colonial period, Koreans were obliged to drive and walk on the left side, just like their former Japanese colonial masters.

Then came the end of WWII, and eventual emancipation for the Korean people.  The US, having just defeated Imperial Japan, naturally inherited the responsibility of overseeing the southern half of the peninsula.  What the Russians and Chinese did with the North... is now a truth that, one would tend to think, is painfully self evident.

Be that as it may, not long after the Koreans got their beloved country back from the latest group of neighbors who'd oppressed them (NOT the Chinese, who've most often bullied them - and a lot more often and for much longer periods of time, in fact, than the Japanese), more misfortune came to the peninsula via the Korean War (1950-53).

After the cease fire that still divides the two groups of Koreans to this very day, it was eventually made official that South Koreans should drive on the right side, and not the left, as is, of course, still the prevailing custom throughout Japan.

And everybody knows how much most Koreans HATE the Japanese!  Which is fine and dandy, I guess, because most Japanese aren't all that keen on Koreans.  So it would certainly seem that keeping to the right nowadays in South Korea would be a no brainer, right? I mean... it's only been... oh... NEARLY SEVEN FREAKING DECADES SINCE THE END OF JAPANESE COLONIAL RULE IN SOUTH KOREA!

Then I guess we can't continue to blame THEM for everything indefinitely, now can we?

Actually... I think I'd rather not even head down that particular rabbit hole just now.  Not on your life!  At any rate, my wife says that when she was young, all her Korean teachers consistently told her and her classmates to "keep left."  Old imperial habits die pretty hard, I guess.

Or is there some other reason why the average South Korean still walks around like they are still under the yoke of Japanese colonial rule?   Hmm....

Either way, that's yet another reason why I find it incredibly frustrating to have to walk just about anywhere in South Korea.  Not everyone walks on the left while I'm trying desperately to keep, as unmolested as humanly possible, to the right, but it's so common that I find myself saying to people who come to a halt directly in front of me, and won't move, no matter how much room is on the other side of the sidewalk (or even aggressively simply try to force me out of the way), "This is not Japan!"  And I say that in Korean, of course.

"This is not Japan."  Because it isn't.   Not anymore.  In fact, we're nearly seven full decades away from all that.  And seven full decades is, I really hate to have to point out, the better part of a freaking CENTURY, so... come on, guys, let's move forward already, huh?  Just a thought.

All I know is, if I lived in Japan or England, where people are supposed to keep left, I would most definitely do my damnedest to keep left.  Especially since following the rules tends to make living just about anywhere a lot less stressful.  But maybe I'm just silly that way!

So Where are the Freaking MANNERS?

Sure!  Do what you want.  It's Asia.  Just use the entire sidewalk in front of your business.  Then, just to show how SELFISH, INCONSIDERATE and TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS you are to everyone who has to drive or walk anywhere near your business, put some MORE of your product out into the public street!  Sure!  Block the lane!  Sure.  Go ahead.  Everybody else is doing it.

Don't get too down on the Koreans though.  This is even MORE common in China and Taiwan.  It's not just a problem with "personal space."  It's also the fact that law enforcement is lax, and far too many people in Asia don't seem to have a blessed clue that they might just be making life just a little more difficult for all the other people who have to drive or walk around their selfishly placed crap.

And when it's not somebody's inconsiderately parked car, it's usually a person, or groups of people, that are out in the middle out the street, or are just standing some place where they really wouldn't if... if they were really thinking about it.  You know, if they were using their brain for anything except their own self serving needs and wants.  Which often leaves me to wonder; are most of these people really thinking at all?  My wife says it's a matter of education.

Okay, fine.  That's what I came to Asia to do, but, come on!  Crikey, people!  I'm just here to teach English.   And I get tired sometimes, you know.  I mean... I gotta somehow educate Asian kids in the finer points of the English language, and still... I have to go out and think of all sorts of diplomatic, "face saving" ways to teach full grown adults out in the chaotic general public to learn a thing or two about holding the door open for the next person.  Where is CHIVALRY, I ask?  No, I BEG to know where are the freaking manners in this parts of the world!

Oh, that's right. I live in Asia.

In Taiwan, for example, some city sidewalks are so jam packed full of illegal sellers and their crap, that pedestrians literally have to step down off the curb and take their chances with cars that rush crazily by!   No joke.  And no exaggeration.

So why do they do it?  As a Westerner, it's still, even after all these years, really hard for me to fathom.   It's really quite dysfunctional and passive aggressively belligerent behavior, in fact, so all this stuff about "harmony" in Asia is really just fantasy and culture-centric hype.  Something that you learn after a while. IF, that is, you want to see it for what it really is.

Either way, there are no public trash cans in Asia to speak of, and most people you meet on a daily basis seem to have almost zero awareness of anyone in public places but themselves.

Once, in Taiwan, I was talking to a French guy I'd just met, who assured me that, yes, the Taiwanese will just about run you down in the street, or on the sidewalk if you're in their way, but "if they know you, they will treat you like a prince."  Okay.... And that's a healthy societal trait because...?

Hmm.

Whatever the case may be, from what I've personally witnessed for a dozen years, is that people in many Asian countries just tend to stand in the middle of doorways, walk in groups side by side down the sidewalk (totally blocking the way of anybody who comes from the opposite direction), and a host of other behaviors that aren't necessarily criminal... but if you have to deal with it day in and day out, it may just make you want to slug somebody.

The Korean Indoor Barbeque Experience - And PRESSURE!

The odd, rather unsightly metal piping coming down from the ceiling in the restaurant in the photo above is actually so that Koreans can barbeque indoors.  And boy, do Koreans love their barbeque!  But people in many countries love to barbeque, right?  Sure, but in Korea, as in most places in Northeast Asia, most of the people are crowded, virtually in on top of one another, into the congested, litter strewn, noisy, neon scarred cities.  Naturally, most Koreans don't have either a back or a front yard to barbeque in, of course, so if they want to enjoy an outdoor meal the way their Mongol/Turkic horse warrior ancestors did, they pretty much have to do it indoors.  Sounds like fun though, right?

Mostly... it's really not.

At any rate, the tubes are supposed to basically suck up the smoke from all the braziers burning in all the Korean beef and pork restaurants that promise to deliver the penultimate barbeque experience without actually having to go outdoors. And those tubular metal contraptions do reduce the smoke pretty drastically.  Well, when cooking beef anyway.  When barbequing fatty pork however....  Nope.  Not so much.

I'm sure they have Korean style eateries like that in Taiwan, China and even Japan nowadays, especially with all this "Korean Wave" stuff, and with the Koreans trying so very hard to export their CULTure all over the globe, mostly via their K-pop, K-this and K-that, but when I lived in Taiwan and later (regretfully) Shanghai, China, I didn't see all that many Korean style barbeque places.  I'm sure there are plenty of eateries like that in those countries now, however.

Somehow though, I don't really see Korean style indoor barbeque places coming even close to competing with McDonald's for the global market any time soon.  But I suppose one can always hope, right?  Maybe if Psy started his own chain of indoor Korean barbeque joints, the whole bizarre dining experience would become his next big sensation.  KOREAN BARBEQUE STYLE!  Hey, you never know.  At least then he wouldn't look quite so much like a one hit wonder outside of Korea.

Nah.  Just not holding my breathe for any of that.  Nope.  Sorry.

At any rate, even after nearly six years in Korea, I still find the indoor barbeque experience to be rather odd.  You do get used to it, but the ugly sight of all that internal piping drooping down from the ceiling doesn't exactly make for a very aesthetic dining experience.  But then... it's Asia.  Most diners talk quite loudly, and they leave a sea of smelly shoes in the doorway that you pretty much have to jump over just to get inside.  And when they're finished eating, quite a few of them sit there and loudly suck their teeth for what seems like forever and a day.

It's Asia.

Oh, and in the very next picture I took that evening, the man in the white shirt (the one you can BARELY EVEN SEE, who's the ONLY ONE YOU CAN EVEN JUST SORT OF SEE IN PROFILE) started giving me the typical "Korean Death Stare." I really don't see how this photo would normally be harmful to him personally, or make any South Korean lose an overabundance of precious "face," especially since it's pretty obvious that there are quite literally hundreds of thousands and MILLIONS of Asian men who roughly fit his physical description.

So, honestly, I'm not sure why he should have to worry about me trying to blackmail him with a simple photograph of the outside of a common Korean barbeque joint.  Although there IS a story behind why most Koreans tend to get very, very nervous when someone whips out a camera....

But from my quite considerable personal experience, many, many Korean men (and even some women) tend to be very, very tense, confrontational and even suspicious.  Not all of them, to be sure, and certainly not because of their "race," of course, but an awful lot of Koreans seem to be abnormally uptight.  That's CULTure for ya!  In fact, Korean CULTure tends to be so oppressive that I am pretty darned sure that it is why so many Koreans tend to smoke like factories and drink like fish.  What's that great old song by Billy Joel?

PRESSURE!

Pressure? What in God's name, you may ask, could possibly be a source of PRESSURE in South Korean society? Well, let's see.... There is built in MASSIVE social pressure to be PERFECT IN EVERY WAY in Korea, just for starters. In Korea, you're not to dare to be anything less than a straight A student (though admittedly, that's pretty much a feature of all the Northeast Asian societies, including China, Taiwan, Japan and Korea). You're not to even dare to be over or underweight in Korea either. As a result, you're never to even dare to be anything less than physically PERFECT. So naturally, plastic surgery is practically a national hobby in South Korea.

And that's just plain sad. And ironically, societally speaking, just not very damned pretty at all when you think about it. So much for skin deep beauty!

In fact, the CULTure that has evolved in Korea for centuries now often seems to be not only ridiculously oppressive, hopelessly perfectionist and incredibly demanding, but even at times quite mean spirited in many, many ways.   Even not being in the correct age bracket in Korea can make someone an object of societal scorn.  And God help you if you were born handicapped!

Don't believe any of it?  I mean, just look at North Korea!  'Cause... psst!  A CULTure doesn't just change on a dime at the border between any two countries (sorry, Canadians and some naïve Americans that may actually think that the grass is really greener just across the border from anywhere one might happen to have been born), or just because you draw a line on a map and call it "the DMZ."

But hey, if you DO buy into the idea that American and Canadian culture are so drastically different as to make one place hell and the other a virtual heaven, buddy, have I got some ocean front property in Arizona just waiting for YOU!

In fact, if that man in the white shirt in the photograph (that I took just because I, 1) enjoy photography, and 2) wanted to record what is still a very odd and rather foreign sight for me, even after all these years), if he had just chilled out and not felt the need to confront me with the typical aggressive Korean staredown, I very likely wouldn't have even remembered him at all.  And I wouldn't have gotten yet another mostly negative impression of Korean society.  And... I probably wouldn't have felt the need to be so frank and truthful about all this on the Internet.

Good work, Mr. Should Be Anonymous Guy With Black Hair and Glasses. Your behavior didn't save any face for your country or CULTure, I'm afraid.   In fact, you lost a whole lot of face with your aggressive stare.  You JERK.

It's a Wonderful (Medieval) Life

Finally, a day off. I guess I can take the baby crying from somewhere off in the distance, outside the window, as I sit here, trying desperately to take a break from the work a day noise, chaos and pollution.  After all, babies cry.   No big deal, right?

But then there's the soul searing sound of yet another Korean man clearing his throat so loudly, that I can hear every disgusting detail from way up here in this cramped little high rise.   An incredibly offensive and just plain revolting sound that is soon followed by the horrific din of the same man hocking up fresh phlegm.  Or... maybe it's a different man....

Baby crying relentlessly; okay.  That's life.  Deal with it.  More unsanitary public spitting; now that's another story entirely.  I know these people have toilets.  But... what?  The streets are for spitting?  YUCK!

Oh well.  To be fair, public spitting isn't quite as bad in Korea as it was in China.  In China, the sound of spitting in public was so frequent that I've since estimated that I was forced to hear it, on average, about 4 or 5 times an hour.  That's once every 10 to 15 minutes.

ALL.  DAY.  LONG.

And then, when I had no other choice, for whatever reason (work, food, etc) to go outside, I'd have to also SEE the locals spit.  Watch where you walk now, foreigner!  There's fresh spit on the sidewalks every few yards.  When the weather got really cold in Shanghai, there was even frozen spit on the sidewalks.  I'd never seen frozen human spit before.  Now I have.  Unfortunately.

And I wish I could forget.

THAT'S why East Asians take their shoes off when they go indoors.  That's why.   Not because of some misty eyed, greener on the other side, idyllic garbage.  That's really, honestly why.  'Cause it's still the Middle Ages here.  Despite the import of ultra modern cell phones, computers and even nuclear weapons.   It's still the Middle Ages in many respects.

In Seoul, near the US embassy, sits "Sejong the Great," medieval master of a Korea that once was
(and in many ways, for both better and worse, still is)

Why DO So Many East Asians Spit All the Time?

Finally, a day off. I guess I can take the baby crying from somewhere off in the distance, outside the window, as I sit here, trying desperately to take a break from the work a day noise, chaos and pollution. After all, babies cry. No big deal, right?

But then there's the sound of yet another Korean man clearing his throat so loudly that I can hear from way up here in this cramped little high rise. An incredibly offensive and just plain disgusting sound that is soon followed by the horrific din of the same man hocking up fresh phlegm. Baby crying relentlessly; okay. More spitting everywhere? Now that's another story entirely.

Oh well. In China, the sound of spitting in public was so frequent that I've since estimated that I was forced to hear it, on average, about 4 or 5 times an hour. That's once every ten to fifteen minutes. ALL. DAY. LONG. And then, when I was forced for whatever reason (work, food, etc.) to venture outside, I'd have to also see the locals spit. Watch where you walk now, foreigner! There's fresh spit on the sidewalks every few yards in China. Even worse, when the weather got really cold in Shanghai, there was even frozen spit on the sidewalks. I'd never seen frozen human spit before. Now I have. Unfortunately.

And I wish I could forget.

That's why Far East Asians take their shoes off when they go indoors, you know. That's why. Not because of some misty-eyed, greener on the other side, idyllic garbage. That's why. Because it's still the Middle Ages over here. Despite the large-scale import of ultra-modern cell phones, computers and even nuclear weapons. In fact, outside of Western Europe and North America, it's still the Middle Ages in many respects in places all over the world. Believe it or not.

South Koreans LOVE Their Booze! But Apparently NOT Michael Douglas...

My first month in Korea, way back in the bitter cold winter of 2008, I knew ABSOLUTELY NOBODY. So, one evening, after ducking into a convenience store to get out of the frigid Korean winter night, I was lucky enough to find a nice store owner who could speak some English. He invited me to come back any time, so I made a point of going in to see this kind elder gentleman most evenings after work.

But then, I realized that if I stayed too late, the odd little troops of three Korean men would always come in.

See, the drunks usually travel in threes in Korea. The two loud, obnoxious drunks on the left and right are always the ones holding up (dragging, quite often) the stupid drunk Korean man in the middle! Well, that's swell. Except that they would almost always get up in my face (though they were total strangers) and slobber all over me! That was fun.

NOT.

One night, in this nice old fellow's Korean convenience store (where I would actually buy "hot choco," as Koreans call cocoa, or hot chocolate, and sit at this tiny table in the corner, one of the drunks from the middle of one of the smashed trios hobbled on over and got up in my face.  I stood up, and then he spit a whole bunch of rancid breath at me, and promptly (well, as promptly as he could slur it in his condition) told me, "You look like Michael Douglas!  Yo-ung My-kell Dooglas-a."

Uh... yeah. I've heard that before a few times. But hey, maybe ALL us white folks just look alike!  Especially when you're drunk as a skunk. He continued, "I HATE MICHAEL DOOOGLASS-A!"

Okay, buddy. Well, psst! I'm not really Michael Douglas. But... uh... why do you hate Michael Douglas?

"Be... be-cooze... he is FACKING that young garl!"

Oh! You mean, Catherine Zeta-Jones? Michael Douglas' lawfully wedded WIFE?

"YA-SA! He is FACKING that young girl!"

And then I tried like hell to get him to take his filthy, drunken hands off me. Boy that was a real nice "welcome to Korea" moment.

NOT.

Actually, now that I think back, his eyes got really wide when he heard the name Catherine Zeta Jones. He licked his lips, rolled his eyes, and slipping to about my chest level ('cause remember, the other two drunks were holding him up), he slobbered, as his eyes got big as half dollars.  "YA-SA! He is FACKING that young garl! Catherine Zedar Jon-sa!"

So, I guess the moral of this story is: PLEASE, people, don't EVER get drugged up around me. I'm nobody's punching bag, no matter how "nice" I look. Oh, I'm nice, but I'm not stupid. And though you most likely won't remember any of it, I must tell you quite frankly that I have got a memory like a wasp.

Ain't gonna hate ya after you make yourself look like a total idiot, of course, but my grandmother reportedly put up with way too much of that kind of thing from my old Scottish American "pap." So Will don't go there. EVER.

There area always excuses for everything, but there is no good excuse for a genuine lack of self control.  Not ever.

But here's the real moral of the story:  Life is hard. It's real, real easy to hurt people in this cold, cruel world - even when you're not even trying. If I do hurt someone, I want to be able to remember it, and if possible, ATONE for it later.  If I even get the chance. And I don't want to EVER be able to fall back on the "drunk" excuse.

Ever.

And hey!  Look!  Honestly, folks, she's really not that much younger than him.  She's just got those great (sometimes baby faced) Welsh genes (that I also have a few of myself).  And hey, the man didn't always have gray hair!  They probably both have gray hair nowadays, God bless 'em.  I'm getting a few gray hairs myself these days.

And dammit, I LOVE Michael Douglas AND Catherine Zeta Jones.  And I don't care how old either of them gets!  Like... ever!

And what's wrong with gray hair anyway?  What's wrong with getting older, Koreans?  Oh... that's right.  Age discrimination (among other kinds of discrimination) is HUGE in Korea.  Think about that before you head to Korea to teach English, potential expats.  Well... if you're twenty something, naïve as hell, and get drunk with other expats often enough (to kill the pain, it often seems), you'll probably be A-Okay.

But whatever you do, don't get caught looking like "young Michael Douglas."  And... PSST!  He's much better looking than I probably ever will be anyway.  :)

The Real Expat "Life" in South Korea

The computer's right next to this sliding door/window thing in this tiny box of an "apartment." Another pent up Asian slum hole, really.  And I've lived in these "shoebox" sized dumps in three different major cities in Taiwan, Shanghai, China and now, unfortunately, South Korea.  It's fall. The weather has finally started to cool off a bit. Now, we can save a little money on air conditioning. Crack that sliding window/door to the tiny patio open, and get some fresh air in this place, right?

UNTIL... yet another addicted macho Korean dude starts puffing smoke into the apartment from God knows where. Pretty damn quick, I feel like I can't breathe. And I DON'T smoke.  And I mean... I honestly thought that was my CHOICE as a human being.  Smoke that shit.  Or DON'T.

So, for the umpteenth time, I or my wife go to the window. Sometimes, she goes down to see if she can catch whatever black lunged bastard keeps making our clothes hung to dry on the porch smell like a cigarette factory.  But neither of us can ever find 'im. But he and his cronies leave their lighters and cigarette butts in the stairwells. Often, along with discarded food and all sorts of other things that people in this region just carelessly DROP at their feet. There aren't any public trash cans in Korea, Taiwan OR China.

And it's no use trying to hunt the wormy bastards down anyway. They're everywhere in Asia.  See, the nearest I can figure it, the tobacco companies couldn't sell quite as much after several Marlboro men died in America, and then all those warning labels had to go on all the cigarette packages.  So get the Asians addicted! That's one BIG ASS market over there in Asia, huh?

Well, it worked.

Just like opium worked on the Chinese in the 19th century. Yet ANOTHER root cause for the current, almost total stagnation of Chinese "CULTure" (or lack there of).  Imagine what kind of successive generations you get from a country where, in some places, most of the population once spent days and days lying prostrate in opium dens... not taking care of their own kids. Selling them to get more drug money, when necessary. And then... you MIGHT just get some idea of what happened to Chinese CULTure.

But seriously, folks. If there's ANYTHING you really should have learned in the 90s, it's that the world simply cannot blame everything on the British!  Or now, US Americans, for that matter.  Read your Chinese history, kids.  Most of the nails in the typically gaudy, lavish Sino-centric coffin had been quite thoroughly driven down into place in that lavish imperial dynastic box in the deep, dark, cold hole the Chinese had long been digging all by themselves, for themselves, by the time the British were poised to annex Hong Kong.   Long, long, that is, before that particular British diplomat (that I admire immensely, by the way) refused to "kowtow" before the then currently reigning, corrupt, inept emperor who was yet the latest in a long line of greedy fools who were worshiped as petty gods in a pathetically medieval 19th century China.

I'd have told the bastard where he could stick his "kowtow," too.

Of course, my own, clearly idealistic, mostly well meaning mother once countered, "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink." She never has had to try to sound like the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live.  It just always came naturally.  Haven't seen her in years, but I assume she still comes off that way.  I grew up with that.

Actually, dear mummy, I think you CAN, more or less, make a quite possibly neglected, thirsty horse eventually drink any old rancid water you choose to lead him to.  I mean, you're the master, right?  You broke his poor back a long time ago, just so you could ride him around anywhere you want, right?  Tell 'im when to stop.  When to go.  When to eat.  And when to drink.  Heck, he'll even run till he drops for you, right?  Good horsy, that he is.  And you ARE the master, after all!  When the most powerful navy in the entire world (at the time) trounces your army in not one but two wars, and then FORCES your government to allow the import of a highly addictive DRUG, you pretty much just have to drink what you're given, right.?

But that's history for ya, huh?

But then, back "home" in Missouri, somebody was always saying something stupid like, "Hell! I don't know what the hell you's talkin' 'bout! My grandmother smoked her whole life. She lived to be 97!"  Sure.  Sure, she did, you hillbilly bastard.  And she coughed her ass off every damn day until she finally did drop dead, too.